


Geraldus Spring, The Shakespearian Talk Show

by marruman



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Iambic Pentameter, Kinda, Pure Crack, basically Hamlet on a talk show, overuse of the Shakesperian insults generator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 14:28:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4482794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marruman/pseuds/marruman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamlet takes his drama to a talk show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Geraldus Spring, The Shakespearian Talk Show

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically an excuse to overuse the Shakespearian insult generator and to make myself think I'm funny (I feel I should warn you that the word whore and whoreson make an appearance, sorry about that). Enjoy

AUDIENCE: Ge-ral-dus! Ge-ral-dus! Ge-ral-dus! Ge-ral-dus! Ge-ral-dus! Ge-ral-dus!  
GERALDUS: I welcome ye, good viewer, I hope you do enjoy  
This tale that will unfurl and fill you with delight  
Though sad and oft mad, you’ll shed tears of joy.  
This show brings justice, but at a price!  
The public must adore! Bring us your tales  
Of terrible woe. Your wife’s unfaithfulness,  
Your bastard son’s wrong claims, we’ll deal with all,  
But before you play, a word of caution!  
For this you must know! We’ll not accept  
Any mention of insurance or debt  
Any ills you sustain are not cause of the show  
For many a story has end’d up bloody.  
And we’re quite sure, so will many more.

Tonight our tale is of royal proportion  
But does it run on equal emotion?  
The one way to know, is to watch this show.  
I’m Geraldus Spring, and we’ll see tonight  
“My father is dead and wants his revenge  
And my mother has married the killer!”  
We have with us now, the Prince of all Danes  
And Hamlet is his name. Please tell us now,  
Goodly prince, thou claimst this but how?  
Surely your royal mother could not  
House such a villain, or t’ him should marry!

HAMLET: Alas, ‘tis true! My noble mother did submit  
To mine treacherous uncle, when she was still  
In black cloth’d and his nails still with grave-dirt stain’d.

GERALDUS: Tell me, fair prince, how can this be known to thee?  
Surely you must have some proof, or never  
Would your thoughts stray down such a treas’nous stream.

HAMLET: Indeed, even I did not suspect my uncle  
Were such a gorebellied knave, till,  
One starry night my father came to me.  
Still was he clad in th’ armor in which he fell.  
He named my uncle as his murderer  
And besooth that I avenge him.  
I happily agreed, but could not achieve  
To do as I set out. Murder’s a sin,  
To kill the king twice so, thus I decide  
To let the people’s justice take him on.  
I trust that the truth shall be revealed.  
GERALDUS: Well ‘tis fortunate, for your father  
Is with us and has heard your accusat’ons.  
What have you to say, good Claudius?

CLAUDIUS _walks on and sits down._ GHOST KING _appears to audience and kicks_ CLAUDIUS. CLAUDIUS _makes noise and rubs leg, looking around for culprit._ HAMLET _death glares_ CLAUDIUS.

CLAUDIUS: Good-day, Geraldus, I am ignorant  
To what might cause Hamlet to say such things.

HAMLET: I say them for they are true.

CLAUDIUS: Because why would I kill my beloved brother?  
I do believe my poor son has spent too much time  
Studying, for it has addled his brain.

GHOST KING holds up panel saying: Liar.

HAMLET: Thou wouldst kill my angelic father  
So thou couldst take this petty throne,  
And his wife. Is it not strange that he  
Should wed her, when we still mourn’d?  
‘Twas not two months since King Hamlet’s demise  
That the bells of the country chimed with joy.

CLAUDIUS: That is most vexing! I have taken thee into the family  
And given thee but love and care and yet  
Thou wouldst accuse me of regicide!  
Thou art truly an ungrateful puttock.

HAMLET: Why you bootless codpiece! How dare you! You have no right!

HAMLET _and_ KING _fight_. GERALDUS _and_ GUARDS _pull them apart_. GHOST KING _cheers silently and shows sign saying_ : Avenge me! Kill that onion-eyed scut!

GERALDUS: Now then, that is most unbecoming!  
It ill befits your stations to be quarrelling so!  
I do believe Her Majesty is unamused.  
Let us ask her! Come on in, Gertrude!

GERTRUDE _enters. She sits between_ HAMLET _and_ CLAUDIUS. GHOST KING _hits_ CLAUDIUS. CLAUDIUS _is knocked over. He looks around for the culprit before sitting back down._

GERALDUS: You must admit, it does seem suspicious  
That you should marry so swiftly  
Could you explain why you did not wait the traditional six months?

CLAUDIUS: We wished to keep our reputations  
For we did not want rumors to bring us shame.  
What would the courtiers think when the lovely  
Gertrude’s form, would start to bulge and grow?  
Knowing that our king hath not seen his Queen  
For months before his end. We could not bear it  
So she I did wed, and became king.

GHOST KING _appears shocked. Once he is functioning again, starts showing signs saying_ : “Treacherous lilly-liver’d whore!” _and_ “Thou didst kill me with thy loutish consort!”

HAMLET(standing up): Art thou calling my mother a whore?  
She is a most virtuous lady, and  
Would not so open to any man.  
Of course, a rump-fed lewdster like thyself  
Would not know virtue should it slap you in the face.

CLAUDIUS (also rising): Why you weather-beaten moldwarp!  
Thou hast no right to talk so to thy father!

HAMLET(shouting): Thou art not my father. Thou didst kill him, you cocker’d maggot pie.

HAMLT _and_ CLAUDIUS _fight_. GHOST KING _joins in while_ GUARDS _try to pry them apart_. 

GERLDUS: Before you go on, please tell me Hamlet  
Why didst thou choose t’ air thy suspicions  
Here, rather than at home?

GHOST KING _waves sign saying_ : “Because he’s a cowardly whoreson with no manhood”

HAMLET: I did not want to kill yet another innocent.

GERLDUS: Yet another? Art thou saying thou hast kill’d before? 

HAMLET: I did not know it was Polonius behind the curtain!

CLAUDIUS: Thou did murder Polonius?

GERTRUDE: Now both my children shall be orphans!

HAMLET and CLAUDIUS: What?!

CLAUDIUS: thou did let thyself be woo’d by another?

HAMLET: Mother, you blind-worm! You cheat on not one, but two husbands!

GERTRUDE: At the least, I did not kill my lover’s parent!

GERALDUS: Yes, let us speak of this lover of thine. The fair Ophelia!  
Is it not a curious twist of Fate that she is in the wings of our theatre, and has heard all that you have to say? Ophelia, will you grace us with your presence on stage?

OPHELIA _comes on stage. She rushes to_ HAMLET _and slaps him hard._ GUARDS _take her away from_ HAMLET _and help her into a chair._

GERALDUS: Beauteous Ophelia, how do ye feel hearing that thy lover   
did thy father slay? 

OPHELIA: ‘Tis the foulest form of treachery, to find my dearest father, killed, by one once so dear to me!

HAMLET: Dearest Ophelia, I meant him no harm.

OPHELIA: You stabbed him! Didst thee plan to stab him gently? I know thou art by no means a brave warrior, but I had thought even one as inexperienced as thee would understand the hazards of stabbing!

HAMLET: I thought– [OPHELIA _interupts_ ]

OPHELIA: Thou never dost think! Thou art just like thy mother, too slatternly and lazy to consider the repercussions of your sins! I, at least, stayed unblemished and true to the path of virtue, else there’d be yet another Prince of Denmark preparing to run wild!

HAMLET: Though I may have acted erroneously, thou hast no right to insult my noble mother!

OPHELIA: Thou art unusually defensive towards thy harlot mother! Or should I say, my step-mother? Her morals, dear Hamlet, seem as firm and upright as your manhood!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

CLAUDIUS ( _in a glacial tone_ ) : As riveting as your petty lover’s quarrel is, I would much rather hear from my _dearest_ queen how she came to know Polonius so well?

OPHELIA, _rising_ : Petty?! I’ll show you petty - !

GUARDS _restrain her as she attempts to hit Claudius_

GERTRUDE: Polonius was a dear friend, he offered me comfort when YOU were too busy “sparring” with young Fortinbras to see to my needs!

CLAUDIUS: How many times must I tell thee there is nothing but enmity ‘tween myself and Norway?

GERTRUDE: Oh zounds, I’ve heard thee talk of him, far more than any man talks of his fiend. Not to mention the times thou hast called his name in the bedchambers!

HAMLET: Mother! That is more knowledge than any son wishes to know! Pray tell me one thing, then say no more, lest my ears begin to bleed. Didst thee know of my father’s murder?

GERTRUDE: What do you think of me! I am no Lady Macbeth!  
Claudius murder’d with no encouragements from me!  
‘Twas al his doing!

HAMLET: You did kill my father! Prepare to die!

HAMLET _attacks_ CLAUDIUS. GHOST KING _joins in_ . OPHELIA _jumps into the fray, viscously attacking Hamlet. Chaos ensues._ GERALDUS _runs to a separate room_ .

GERALDUS ( _rushed_ ): Well, on this day, we’ve learn’d that one should not  
Either commit Regicide, or marry a whore.  
Good night to you all.  
HAMLET _breaks the door, wrestling_ CLAUDIUS. GHOST KING _is cheering._ GUARDS _and_ GERALDUS _try to part them, but end up dragged into it. Curtains fall._


End file.
